literature

can you remember how it used to be

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Published: Aug 4, 2014

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Literature Text

i.
when our world shattered, i wasn't
old enough to know. i knew our
mother cried at night and clutched the sheets
until her knuckles
turned white; that you shut
yourself in your bedroom and turned your
back on what was breaking;

i only knew for sure the day he
said it's only temporary, kiddo, that it
was done, a permanent fracture
in glass already strained. my world was ending,
and i could only watch.

ii.
our father didn't count as
home for the longest time. he wasn't a
replacement for the
mother we missed during the days, and he knew
it, i think.

i think it broke his heart.

that first christmas was half a tree because
there wasn't enough room
in the duplex for a full one, decorated
with bud light coasters
and tiny ornaments strung on with unfolded paper
clips. a lot of them broke when
they were flattened, and i never saw the
symbolism til my childhood was gone.

iii.
i think mother lost
herself for a while, there. i knew she
wasn't sleeping, but an eight
year old doesn't know how to heal a hurting
heart. i could only stand
back and watch as she tried to be strong for
the two people left in
her life, but it was hard. that's when i learned what pain was;

that's when i learned how to be brave.

iv.
a new face and a forgotten
smile wormed its way into year two and
we saw our father happy
for the first time in a while. i looked at him and thought
if he's this happy, it's only good.

you didn't think the same.

that year we both grew up a little, learned
a little more about this world
that tried to break our bones; new
people can be loved, but those old ones are never
forgotten.

v.
our father became home
number two after we learned that life went
on. we fell into a rhythm, he and i, but you
broke pattern and broke his heart.
you stopped looking at
him the same way after that and i was
left to pick up the pieces from the
floor.

i'm not sure you ever apologized; i'm not sure if you should.

vi.
i learned love's not such a hard
thing to come by if you don't push it away;
it's not near as empty
as i had started to think.

they're happy, now, our mom
and dad, and it makes me happier than you
know to see the smiles
on their faces. they've got someone
to grow old with, and this time, they're
gonna stick around.

we're older, now, and i kind of
miss you here and there. but you've got someone
too, and he takes time, and you
don't have much to spare right now.

we're all a little broken, but i think we
glued it back together
pretty well.

i just wish you'd be here sometimes
because
i'm the only odd one out.